Favorite Quote
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Grace: Hi, Karen. How are you?
Karen: [walks to an open window, and shouts out] Stanley Walker is a pig and I hope he rots in hell!
Karen: [walks away from window and calmly replies to Grace] I'm fine, thanks. How you doing?
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Karen: [holding Jack in a headlock] You backstabbing... you are never to see that woman ever again, or else I will tie fishhooks to your nipples and throw you off the Chrysler Building!
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Deirdre: We hear you and Grace have made quite a name for yourselves on the west side. Kudos.
Will: Thank you.
Deirdre: No, I see you have a box of kudos on your desk.
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Karen: Your play stinks.
Jack: Which pages?
Karen: Uuuh... The ones with words on 'em?
Karen: [reads] "Come to me Tonga, and let us make love on my house boat!"
Jack: Karen, it's a Caribbean fantasy...
Karen: It's a Caribbean nightmare!
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Grace: [Grace has picked up some slogans at an A.A. meeting] "Let go and let God."
Karen: Where did you hear that? Who taught you that hate speech?
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[Will has quit his job and now wants to be a writer; they are now at a party]
Will: Oh, Rosario, I - look, I'm doing some writing on social injustice, you know, the battle between the classes?
Rosario: You want to interview me?
Will: No, no, I just want to jot something down. Could you hold my glass?
Rosario: [mad] Sleep with your lights on, white devil. Your time is coming.
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Jack: Will, something bad happened.
Will: What?
Jack: I got turned on by that lap dancer!
Will: Are you sure?
Jack: Look, I know the difference between 6:00 and 12:00 and this was definitely Midnight at the Oasis!
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Carla: Hey, are you going to come back and finish that lap dance?
Jack: Uh, no I don't think so!
Carla: Well, here's my card if you change your mind.
Jack: Well, thanks, Carl... wait, you're a Carl?
Carla: Just from the waist down. From the waist up I'm Carla.
Jack: Oh, thank God. I'm still gayer than Christmas!
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Karen: Honey, black, white, gay, straight... What's it matter? We all finish ourselves off in the end anyway!
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Karen: Honey, nobody has every offered to dismember a midget and make him into jewelry for me before. That's so sweet!
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Jack: That doesn't look like a salad to me! Where's the arugula? Where's the radicchio? Where's the Rwanda?
Ben Doucette: Jack, one of those isn't a salad ingredient so much as a war-torn country in Africa.
Jack: I know that! I sponsor a kid in Arugula!
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Jack: Je suis Fatty Gay!
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Jack: [about a very short guy Leo set Will up with] What we have here, is a pocket gay.
Will: A pocket gay?
Grace, Karen: A pocket gay?
Jack: A pocket gay.
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Grace: It just creeps me out. Like anything that ends with "mini-teeth" or "mini-hair".
Will: Here we go...
Grace: On the Discovery Channel, there was this guy with a tumor that had mini-teeth and mini-hair, and when they poked it, it said "Ow"!
Will: It did not say "Ow".
Grace: Well, if it had mini-lips, it would have.
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Lorraine: I'd like you to have all your things out by tomorrow.
Karen: I'd like you... to eat me.
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[during Jack 2001, Jack is singing and dancing to 'Arthur's Theme,' holding up pictures of the moon and New York City]
Jack: The best that you can do - cha cha cha - the best that you can do - Chaka Khan - is fall in love... two, three, four, off. Thank you. Thanks for stickin' round.
Val: Whoo! Yay! Oh, my God, Jack. That was the best show ever. It felt like you were singing only to me.
Jack: Well, for the last seven shows, I was.
Val: Look, I don't know what to say. I just - I really just wanna... officially thank you for coming into my life. It's just that, well, you're my world now.
Jack: Yeah, about that, um... see, the problem is I live here
[holds up the New York picture]
Jack: and I'm thinking you live waaaaaay up here.
[holds up the moon picture]
Jack: .
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Will: I'm thirsty.
Grace: I'm hungry.
Karen: I could hump a tree.
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Malcolm: Excuse, Ma'am, but might I just say how beautiful you are, and I look forward to seeing you ride that electric wheelchair towards me on a very bumpy road... in a town where everyone's naked.
Karen Walker: Hello, Karen Walker, and it's a pleasure to meet a true gentleman. But now if you'll excuse me, the gap between my toes is throbbing like a son of a bitch!
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Karen: What's that, honey?
Grace: Funnel cake
Karen: Can I have some?
Grace: [Innocently] Yeah, the stand is right over there...
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Grace: It's a recurring dream. I keep having it over and over and over and over.
Jack: I see. Is this the first time you've had it?
Grace: That's a good question, Jack. Okay, anyway. In my dream, I'm on the subway completely naked. And then, all of a sudden, that hot gardener from "Desperate Housewives" gets on, and he puts his hand on my breast. Then that hot smart guy from "Jeopardy!" gets on and puts his hand on my other breast. Then that hot Korean guy from "Lost" gets on and puts his hand on my other breast. Oh, yeah, in this dream I have three breasts.
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[talking to Grace about a bad experience with a psychic]
Will: I mean, who calls themselves "Psychic Sue"? It's like me calling myself "Lawyer Will" or you calling yourself "Designer Grace" or Jack calling himself "Jumping Ferret Jack."
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Jack: [looks at Will in a shortie robe] Why the long robe?
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Jack: Karen, you are constantly partially there for me... is there anything I can pretend to do for you?
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Karen: I'm a lady, assface!
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[Jack is protesting a gay kiss being pulled from an NBC show, and has just been told the channel can't promote that lifestyle]
Jack: It's a gay network, for God's sake, the symbol is a peacock!
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Will: This is a gay landmark!
Jack: The hospital where Judy Garland spewed out Liza Minnelli is a gay landmark! This is just a bookstore.
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Grace Adler: Hey, your really thinking about having sex with someone?
Karen: For god's sake, IT'S NOT GONNA BE WITH YOU!
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